Recently, I have had a lot time to be by myself. I have come to realize that there are a lot of ways in which this new phase is effecting me. This new phase is the phase of looking for a new job, for the next career step. And though this might sound like a step closer toward the accomplishment of personal and professional goals, it is replete with uncertainty and anxiety laced with a modest dose of hope. Each day begins with unique determination to explore all possible options and sending out applications. It doesn’t take long for the mind to escape the overwhelming chores and quickly find solace in the glamorous and the humerus. Promises are made to resume the work after that final episode but why does heart care of the petty promises of the mind. Heart deceives the mind. Blogging, writing, reading articles are made to appear like exercises to strengthen the mind. Mind falls for the ploy. It’s not all heart’s fault. The mind feels satiated, it feels nourished. But the attention soon goes back to the abandoned tasks. The heart wrenches in fear that the precious time is now lost. The mind tries to come up with solutions and excuses to calm the heart down. For letting down the soul, they both languish in regret and sorrow.
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I am 23 years old and I have my 3rd wisdom tooth painfully making its way out. If we consider the average human life span to be about 60 years, I am pretty close to having lived half of it. Some might think (at least I do) that I have lived long enough to be able to have strong opinions on major issues and be able to get words out of my head and string sentences together to express myself in a coherent manner. But recently I have started to notice that is not really happening with me and it is just not about eloquence. I look around me and watch my friends debating on every other issue and taking strong stands and defending their views almost like their lives depend on it. It is quite amazing how they do it. Talk on an issue for hours and hours at a stretch. Am I ever going to be able to do that ? I have noticed I am a better listener most of the times and manage to pepper the conversations with ‘out of the way’, wacky questions. Is this just an excuse to make others speak more, to compensate for the words that I lack ? Would this be called being shy ? Ironically I have done a lot of public speaking in high school and managed to put across a very confident personality. This is probably the reason why the incoherence is even more confusing. Sometimes there is so much going on my head. Some of it, I realize only later could have meant so much had I just let it out at the right moment. I have always understood how important it is to be able to express yourself clearly, however I have also realized its easier said than done. There are countless internal barriers that subconsciously try to pull you back and you have to be strong enough to lose all inhibitions and speak your mind. Because in the end, your thoughts matter too.
CFor the past few days I have noticed that I’ve had more dreams than I have in months together. And these are of a different kind too. They seem almost real and almost all of them I am in the company of people whom I have never met. It’s like I am meeting new people like I would normally, but only this time they are all in my dream ! And these dreams are so detailed. For example I can almost hear my name for real when some calls me in the dream. Or how things smell around me. Usually I get dreams which are just a slight variation or an extension of what I see come across in my real life but somehow I can not relate the dreams that I’ve been getting recently with anything. It’s like I am living a different life in my dreams and to be honest, I don’t hate it. For instance, just last night I had this dream where in I was trying to help someone. It was a really shy kid who didn’t talk to people and because of this, nobody liked him. I got through to him somehow and though I didn’t try to change him, I made the world see that he was a good kid and suddenly everyone fell in love with him. I can’t believe this at all. The details of the story were still missing thought. Like, what exactly did I do to make people see the side of him that they didn’t before. But I do remember this scene where I was really frustrated trying to help this kid and was almost giving up on him when a person who at that moment sounded like a close friend whom I knew very well said something like ‘you’re doing good, you’re doing your best..don’t give up already’. I have never seen that person before. I kind of want to say he looked a bit like a young, handsome John Cusack, but I won’t cause it might get to his head. But I know one thing for sure, despite being said in a dream these words of comfort gave the most real sense of satisfaction and love. Words have immense power, more than we give them credit for. And I am not just talking about ‘hateful words can hurt somebody’ power. I am talking about the opposite. If you love someone, let them know. Even if it is not needed. Even if you think you’re too cool to say it. Give a compliment to someone. Make someone’s day. Tell them what they’re working on looks good. If they’re in a dump, tell them they would make it out of it like a warrior princess/Hercules. It might sound lame and you probably are too lazy. But imagine what if you’re the chosen one who can reach out to someone and who can turn things dramatically around for someone. So I wouldn’t want to waste my time analyzing what my dreams mean, if they are a warning for something or if they want to tell me about something. I like it that they can be way more exciting and that the most unimaginable things can happen when we shut our eyes….to sleep…to live another life….to dream.